Phone call to government services

Hello , you have reached the department of NON human services,
How can I help you today ?
Caller : oh , I was after the human services department.I didn't even know there was a NON human dept .
Official : oh yes , we cater for zombies , ghosts  ,the living dead & satan worshippers.
Caller : Oh , that's interesting. Who are  these characters that you help?
Official : oh , they are from new zealand . The premier of western Australia , Colin barnacle , knows about the satanic nz rituals , but does bugger all ( nothing ).

Anti bacterial mindset

In this era of countless germs infesting our environment ( including the politicians ) ...
I have become a vigilant anti bacterial operator .
Bleach & hospital grade disinfectant have become my weapons of choice .
If you gargle a  solution of bleach mixed water ( just a few drops in a large glass )
..this will clear your throat of germs .
Bleach is used to kill Ebola .
People carry germs via touching infected surfaces then eating without disinfecting themselves .
A garden spray bottle is good , containing the bleach - water mixture...
however one receives strange looks from passers by , when spraying and disinfecting a pie , just bought from the local bakery....
Its all good though , because I am totally germ free even if my mental state is a bit fragile .

Onto the topic of bacterial fried chicken stores , which are numerous .

They employ staff trained in satanic rituals .

" To commit evil deeds " is their mission statement.

Satan , himself , pops into selected stores , to whip up some shocking bacterial meals .

Vote for vibrating Dildos

The population of Australia vote in vibrating dildos every election.
Yes the members of parliament are very plastic ,
run on batteries and provide a small amount of satisfaction for only a few seconds .
Then ,a real dildo is shoved away at the back of an undies drawer .
This is what should be done to the parliamentary plastic penises .
Most of the time , these dildos of democracy , shaft or rear end the poor  citizen,and anyone who has to deal with the plastic p's ...suffers a  pain in the arse from being shafted .

Pepper Spray Poetry

I am a cop on the beat ,
Who just wants to keep the peace ,
But from time to time ,
Some grime from the gutter
Decides to commit a crime
So ,at the ready on my hip
Is the pepper pump
Full of eye dazzling spray
That will make my day ...
The capsicum chemicals
are like a cannon ball
To create a nuclear reaction In their eyeball
To watch this is fun
As they hit the turf
And no need for my gun .

Highs and lows of daily life

According to established mental health management,
people with mental issues suffer from rock bottom lows , followed by delirious deluled highs .
I can say that listening to/watching a politician deliver vocal sewerage ,takes me closer to the bottom .
Elation and joy follows when they are cut short by a commercial break.
A haunted house doesn't have anywhere near as many spooky creeps ,as parliament house does.
Those patients receiving therapy for mental health difficulties, are advised to completely avoid viewing political madness ,
as it can easily send you into a spiraling relapse .

Striving to improve Personal hygiene

Mental Health,the comedian is always striving to improve his personal hygiene.
Due to incidents in shops that he has visited ,
where the assistant starts to sniff a persistent odour ,
Mental has taken this on board .
Achieving 100% cleanliness is a pipe dream ,
however to get to 40-50 % is on the radar as achievable .
A person's odour is nothing compared to the sinister
" new world odour " which operates a conspiracy across the globe ,
to ram political correctness and ignorance down everyone's throat .So far it is working like a fart filling the space of an elevator.
Mental Health ,the comic investigator ,
has a direct phone line to the new world odour kingpins,
and will be posting some audio of these calls onto this weblog soon .
The Russians have developed a NEW insect spray that your can give to your enemies ...
Its called " Rogue Rage " and it doesn't kill flies and mozzies .Instead it just makes them very angry and they fly into an uncontrollable rage .